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By Jesse Utz 

New year, new fear - predictions 2016

Jess Shut Up


I thought I would start the new year with some predictions for 2016. You know, stuff I think will happen and more than likely will. Confidence is the key here.

• So prediction number one is, (drum roll) the Coulee area will purchase more snow removal equipment this year than ever before. Snow blowers, snow shovels and de-icer stock will skyrocket in the local economy, leaving shelves empty and consumers using their old shovels and rock salt to get themselves out of the big freeze. But the bright side is that our old shovels are practically brand new since we barely used them the last five years.

• Also, when the “Pitt” family returns from their long vacation in a land with zero snow, they will be met by long lines awaiting the return of Siam Chow Mein and Lunch Buffet. Mark will get a great promotional idea by a loyal customer and offer a 25-percent discount to any person who gets a “Siam” tattoo and displays it proudly. All will go well until one over-eager local gets a full-face tat and demands 50 percent off his “sumdumbguy.” The promotion will end and a tattoo removal shop will open up next to “B Street Bud” (by the way, B Street Bud needs to be renamed, as it is not on B Street; just saying).

• Local mayors will finally let the townsfolk decided the fate of the consolidation issue and vote yes to put it on the next ballot. The largest number in local history will come out to vote and, in a landslide victory, the towns will consolidate. The next task is to rename the area, and all local governments are asked to contribute one name to be voted on by a local kindergarten class. All goes well until the votes are counted and the new name is “Krusty Krab Shack.” Who knew the little tots knew how to veto stuff?

Next hunting season, the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife will change their hunting regs and allow a two-point minimum on rifle deer season. (OK, maybe this is just a wish, but, man, I saw a lot of huge two-points the last two years.)

• The local post offices will introduce a new part of their service next year: robot delivery. They promise that, no matter the weather issues, the robots will be out in the frosty, unshoveled walkways, slugging through to deliver your mail. (As a matter of fact, how is that any different now? Kudos to the mail delivery. How about we develop a roof that does not get blown off in the wind instead?)

• Sports predictions: Chiefs win Super Bowl, Warriors win NBA, Yankees buy another championship and a Canadian team wins the Stanley Cup. Oh, you want real sports predictions? Then how about a Mayweather loss in boxing. George Foreman comes out of retirement and grills him in the ring. But Mike Tyson shows up with a Siam tat on his face and … well, you will have to wait for the rest.

Here is to 2016; may it be just as exciting and full of the unexpected as last year.

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