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By Jesse Utz 

Class of 2013 30-Year Reunion … it could happen Part II

Jess Shut Up


Last updated 6/17/2013 at 11:35am

Welcome back to the epic event called the 30-year class reunion of the class of 2013. We are back stage now at this glamorous gala of quite possibly the best class ever to graduate from LRHS. The crowd is still recovering from the awesome illusion just pulled off by Magician Justus DeWinkler and we are now getting prepared for a special honor.

World renowned security specialist and founder of the Men in Black Investigative Services, Abe Batten is going to demonstrate his sharp shooting skills. He is searching the crowd for an assistant; ah, he has selected Kylie Leiss, world famous ballet dancer just recently returned from a European tour where she danced for the king of England, King Harry.

Abe is having Kylie hold a rose in her mouth and he is taking aim with his pistol. Bang! Wow, the crowd loves it. But Kylie seems to have fainted. No worries, Dr. Brandon Francis and Dr. Taima Carden have both rushed on stage. Brandon is a leading expert in his field of sports psychology, specializing in visual competition. Tiama is the head surgeon for the worldwide medical group Stitches of Love.

OK, now taking the stage is WWE World Champion Tim “The Vanilla Gorilla” Loch, and president and owner of the new bottled water company called Tap, Danielle Laramie. They are about to present an award to one of our illustrious guests for greatest invention.

The nominees are:

• Jaz Adrian and her new art easel that hooks up to your brain waves and automatically draws a picture of your dreams in graphic 4D as you sleep.

• Hayden Rodrigues whose “Haydenator” is a watch that is every piece of technology ever invented all in one device that secures to your wrist.

• Brazilian exchange student Lucas Beneditti’s new Z-24 Jet that can submerge to the depths of the ocean and travel in space all at amazing speed.

• And finally, there is Wiona Ramos and her smart car that is powered by trash that burns clean, leaving a 1-percent trace of emissions.

Oh wait, just as they are about to announce the winner, here come Brady Black bursting out on stage. He grabs the microphone from Tim. He appears to be complaining why his invention wasn’t included in the judging. Brady, as we all know, went to Stanford and made the team as a walk-on where he ultimately got drafted by the NY Yankees as their number-one pick overall only to get injured the day before his first start by having an allergic reaction to the car wax he used waxing his garaged sports car. He then went on to be a commentator for ESPN, working his way up to his current position as president of ESPN. We can’t quite tell what he is yelling about, but something about a new sports drink. Oh well, security has now whisked him away and we can get on with the reunion.

Now the moment we have all been waiting for. Our current president of the United States of America; it’s Kendall Piccolo. He is giving a very moving speech about the economy, gun laws, taxes and the future of our country. The crowd erupts; he is getting a standing ovation. There are tears in everyone’s eyes; clearly he is a very popular man here today.

Wait, the secret service is very active back stage. Let’s go back and get a closer look. Brady is still causing a scene, screaming that he wrote the Kendall’s speech and everyone should be crying because of him.

OK, it looks like things are calming down now. Two people just came up to the secret service and said they would take care of the situation. I cannot tell who the two men are but they both have mullets and seem to be convincing Brady to go with them. They are headed to the back exit. I am going to try and get a look at these two mystery men. They seem to have exited the building and are now climbing into a beat up Chevy pick-up. I can’t make out who the two are but the license plate says GOAT and on the back window it says, “Feel the Payne”.

Well that’s everything here from the 30-year class reunion. I’m going to go back inside and celebrate with my classmates and maybe get a picture with Sean Waters. Until the 40-year reunion, I’m Emily Williams signing off.


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