I never drank until my mom died and step-dad moved out. I raised myself and younger brother alone with no one since I was 17.

Right away, I got into a crowd, and we didn’t drink socially. We drank explosively: blackouts, pass outs, drunk driving, fist fights were common. Through my years, this all developed behaviors and patterns in my life. I understand the nature and rage of this animal within and the darkness of the deepest pits. I lived on an edge; carelessly with selfish and wreckless abandon, I learned well this realm.

After sobering up, it took many years and many, many mistakes to find peace and self love, and develop healthy relationships.

Sometimes people still see me for who I once was or the mistakes I made in finding my path. I have been sober now over nine-and-a-half years, yet the struggle continues.

I never realized the heartbreak, the pain I’ve caused nor the things I lost out on because at the time I never cared about life as much. My behaviors were self righteous or greedy. I thought pretty highly of myself or never cared at all what others thought. I have much to learn about life and have much to share about this world of darkness.

One of the things that made me wish to stop was I never wanted my nieces or nephews to grow up and to see me in that way. I really love them so much. And it hurts me now to know they also struggle on that dark path I once traveled. I pray for them as well as our loved ones struggling on that dangerous path. I also pray for those in recovery, because this world is uncaring and equally brutal, and this Road gets very lonely. Not everyone makes it out alive!

I know all it takes is just one … just one, and we are back there again, back in this world I thought was “impossible” to ever escape from, from a dark world I thought was impossible to ever free myself from!

I remember trying to imagine what a life of freedom might feel like, and I had no idea; I couldn’t even imagine it, I was so weak and powerless. Now that I have found freedom, believe me, I fight each day to never go back there!

If I can encourage anyone, I just say this: It is possible! But you’re gonna have to want it for your own self! You are worthy, and there is a life you will find that is worth it! Sober life is not easy and it won’t cure everything! However, learning to deal with your problems with a sober mind is going to get you a lot better results! You are Not alone.

Dan Nanamkin