June 5, 2013 | LXXIII, No. 10

Class of 2013 30 Year Reunion - It Could Happen

Jess Shut Up

Hello, my name is Emily Williams, host of Entertainment Tonight, and we are here today at the social event of the decade. It’s Lake Roosevelt High School’s class of 2013 30-year reunion, possibly the greatest class in the history of high school graduations. You will find out why because I am outside fighting the crowd that has gathered here at this red carpet event, and, oh my, here comes the first car now. It’s a long white limo and exiting the car is Abby and Libby Williams.

Look at them, all smiles and waves to the crowd. Abby and Libby after HS decided they wanted to give back to the less fortunate, and they went out into poor countries all over the world, setting up clinics and schools. While on one of their missions they stumbled upon the Inca lost city of gold. They gave half of their fortune away to those who needed it and retired from the mission field at the age of 33. They have been living the good life ever since.

Oh, and now getting out of his camo hummer is Orrin Gross. Hold on a second — oh, and he has all his kids with him too, 13 boys all with camo tuxes and carrying what looks like gold spittoons. Orrin made his fortune in knives he developed by accident. It’s a knife that will never go dull, and it became the most coveted knife in the world — called A Gross Cutter.

He discovered the technique one day while hunting coyotes in Montana. He slipped and fell down into an old mine shaft. His family was looking for him for six days. When they found him he was sitting there making knives out of the new metal he had found.

Now here comes Hillary Carriere, the current dean of students at UW. After not being accepted into UW she worked hard and become one of the leading doctors in her field. After building her own school called the Hillbillary School for the Redneck Impaired. She accepted the job at UW and has become the highest paid dean in the world.

Now stepping out of his Duck Dynasty Rolls Royce is Tyler Hartbarger. Wow, look at that beard; it’s tied around his waist for a belt. Tyler moved down south after HS and found the love of his life and then married one of Duck Dynasty president’s daughters. He then became the most popular character on the TV show after he beat Cye in a squirrel eating contest.

Now coming down the carpet are the three hosts of the popular daytime talk show “ Shy is Sexy.” It’s Rickyna Sam, Amanda Palmer and Ashley Lezard. The crowd is going bananas with the arrival of these three. They have had the top rated show for 15 years now and still have not said a word on air, but still the stars flock to their show and spill their guts to the world.

Here come two more hot celebrities, Jennifer Gross and Sierra Stallone. After HS these two become besties again and go to Hollywood to get into the business. They got their big break when Sierra started dating Sylvester Stallone’s youngest son and then went on to marry. The two girls then starred in many sports movies, being cheerleaders, and then got their own show called Cheer Camp Survival. In the first episode Jennifer married Randy; it was the highest rated show of all time.

Well the festivities are about to start inside, so let’s hop in there where we will have a performance by Grammy winner Lyric Witten. We will also have winners from The Voice singing their duet “Raider Love,” Skye Gooler and Johnny McCraigie. We will also have straight from Las Vegas, illusionist and comedy artist Justus DeWinkler, who will try and make the Grand Coulee Dam disappear. We will also have an appearance by our current president of the United States and by the richest man in the world Andrew McClure; the first female to live on Mars, Hailey Chaney; world renowned fashion designer Charlie Knight and dare devil stuntman Jared Holt, and much much more. Tune in next week as we continue this 30-year reunion.

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