Jess Shut Up
OK, I know some of you don’t want to hear this but Christmas is right around the corner.
So time to start on the Christmas Lists and pull out the decorations. Start checking the lights now, replace the bulbs early this year. Make your holiday plans: Are we staying home or are we loading up and headed to Grandma’s house in (insert town here)?
Is this the year to get the cards out on time, or do we wait and send them Christmas Eve? House cleaning, and more house cleaning, rearrange the rooms so the tree fits and dig out the ugly sweater with the scariest Santa ever on it.
Oh, and don’t forget the Chipmunk Christmas Album; I know you have one.
So let’s just start my list right now.
No. 1 — I want a BBQ/smoker combo so I can really smoke up the neighborhood and make it look even more like my house is on fire. Thanks to those who did stop this past year just to make sure.
No. 2 — Water filtration system. Just in case the Zombie Apocalypse does happen and the family is stuck out in the woods for days trying to find clean water and britches. This would also work for the local water systems.
No. 3 — Ugly sweater. I can’t find mine.
No. 4 — An electric scooter. I would look very cool riding this hog to work and back every day. Plus, with gas prices the way they are locally, I would not have to get a loan.
No. 5 — I want one of those helicopter toys that flies around the house, and I can practice my perfect landings. OK, OK, it would be fun to chase the cats, but it would still be cool.
No. 6 — This is where I should insert Apple Cup tickets. But it is before Christmas, and I just can’t bring myself to watch all the WSU fans cry again this year. This is supposed to be the time of year for “tidings of great joy,” so I will pass and just smile at all my friends as they pass me on the street.
New No. 6 — The Hopper (spoken with Jersey accent). This would be a dream come true. I would never miss an episode of Walking Dead, Survivor, Amazing Race, every football game, every NASCAR race and The Next Top Model. Don’t judge me! I’m just saying.
No. 7 — A new roof. Yes, before I have more shingles in the neighbor’s yard than on top of the house. Levi tries, the poor kid.
No. 8 — I want a pair of those red full-body underwear. You know, the kind that buttons down and opens up the rear end for … well, you know what it’s for.
No. 9 — Dale Jr, Kansas City, UW, to all three win championships before I die. Yes, this has been on my list for many years and will continue to be for as long as it takes.
No. 10 — A new fishing pole, so a certain someone will stop blaming all the fish I catch with it being because I’m using his lucky pole. Come to find out it’s his wife’s pole anyways.
No. 11 — A clear answer. One government agency says, “No you can’t work.” The other says, “Come to work.”
No. 12 — A Money Tree. As a matter of fact if I get this one, it can count for all the gifts in the family. Knowing my luck it would produce one penny a year. Or I would have to keep five bucks on it at all times or the tree would close down.
No. 13 — More checkers at Safeway.
No. 14 — Whatever my wife wants. As long as I get No.1, and No. 5.
No. 15 — More business in town.
So now you know where I stand. This is just my first rough draft, so don’t be too critical. Oh yeah, add Peace on Earth somewhere.
But seriously, I know that the East Coast was devastated this last week and I have a few friends over there. It will be a very difficult holiday season for them, and we should all be thinking about them and wishing them the best. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of them.
I also realize that the real reason for the season is the birth of a Child a long, long time ago. A Child that has had a real impact in my life. So as we prepare for the madhouse we call the Holiday Season, don’t forget your fellow man. Reach out to those in need, give a helping hand where needed. And turn your eyes and heart upon God, at least once.